If memory serves me right, I was about 12 when I began to self-harm. I was in Year 7 or 8. My friend had moved to a new school and I found myself alone at school a lot of the time. I have always struggled to fit in, not fitting in made me accept attention from the first person that gave it which resulted in being sexually abused. I had stopped going to lunch once my friend left, I could no longer cope with the dinner hall especially alone. I experienced high levels of anxiety a lot of the time, which I struggled to get under control. One day I became so overwhelmed with school, the teasing, the not being good enough and the isolation that I lashed out and punched a wall. The instant pain was agony, but it also created an instant calmness within my body and mind. The bruise that appeared afterwards kept that feeling going, and when ever I felt anxious I would pinch the bruised skin.
The shame from self-harming made me feel awful at times, but it turned into my go to method of controlling how I was feeling. Everytime I became anxious (or overwhelmed as I now know it to be), I would bruise my arm and hand with any tool I had at my disposal. Sometimes that would be punching a wall, othertimes in would be a ruler or a piece of wood. Most of the time, especially in the winter months, I was able to keep it hidden by wearing long sleeves. In summer I would just keep wearing long sleeve school shirts and jumpers when out of school.
When I moved up schools anxiety attacks and overwhelm stepped up a gear, I was so stressed all of the time. This meant self-harming also increased, both in how often and how bad, I ended up with lots of trips to Accident and Emergency. I would be bandaged up, put in a sling or in a soft cast depending on the injury. After a while the hospital started asking questions and so did the school nurse, but I didn’t have the ability to disclose why I was doing it and if im honest I wasn’t really sure. All I know is how awful I felt, my emotions were swirling round like a tornado, the pressure was so intense and the only thing that would calm my mind and body was the pain from self-harming and the release was instant.
In year 9 I started to scratch or cut my skin, it seemed to have a different affect on me than bruising. It was less noticeable and easier to hide. It helped me to manage how I was feeling and helped me to cope with school. I still felt an incredible amount of shame, I hated myself for doing it but I didn’t know what else to do. I was in crisis.
No amount of punishment, ridicule or telling off from teachers, parents, or medical staff, for self-harming would stop me from doing it. It was the only bit of control I had at the time. The release it gave me became addictive.
Once I left school the frequency of self-harming became less, although it was still my go to coping strategy when things became really bad, but I had acquired other methods of managing how I felt. Such us journal writing, counselling, distraction, or alcohol, I had more ability in describing how I was feeling. That said I stopped drinking alcohol at 25, yes it made me forget but I hated the feeling of being out of control and how vulnerable it made me to others.
Then I became a mum, I didn’t want her to think that it was ok to manage how she feels this way. So, I found other ways, helped her to name her emotions and talk about how she is feeling. She knows she can come to me no matter what. Gave her what I hadn’t had growing up.
The need to self-harm doesn’t just go away, and there have been times I have slipped up, the last time was 3 years ago and the wound needed treating properly which frightened me. I vowed not to do it again however strong the need became, and I haven’t. It has been extremely hard, it is like fighting an addiction when the need is strong. I will ping an elastic band against my wrist, I will write or distract myself until the need eventually passes, it does eventually pass once I have felt each emotion at full.