How I Found Out I Am Autistic

In 2018, when my daughter was 4 I was attempting to return to work, the Job Centre told me that it was unlikely I would get a Job because I had low grades for English and Maths. They recommended I attend a training centre to gain those qualifications.

By May 2019, I had achieved that along with a ICT qualification, and although I gained the qualifications quite easily, attending the training centre had been hard work. I spent 3 full days in a busy social setting (although smaller than school), which meant my anxiety was constantly on a high on those days. When I wasn’t at the training centre, I was taking my daughter to and from nursery and then school when she started. It may not sound a lot to some, but it took its toll on me.

I was struggling with the school run, taking her into the classroom was with a rush of people down a narrow corridor. My daughter was coming up to the age I was when I was abused, I was reaching the age of 40, it was like a perfect storm of events and it had a huge impact on my already fragile mental health. The Anxiety, or thats what I thought it was, was awful and I couldn’t handle it anymore, so I referred myself for Therapy through the NHS. There was quite a long waiting list, so by the time I reached the top the Covid-19 Pandemic had just started and we were in the first lockdown (2020). My daughter was in year 1 of school. The only thing available at that point was an online Social Anxiety Group, in normal circumstances I would probably have turned that down, but this wasn’t normal circumstances and I was desperate. The group was carried out over 12 weeks, 12 sessions, if I remember correctly. So each week I logged in to the group, I was using my phone to do so, this meant I only saw each person as and when they spoke so it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. I learned a lot from that group; after several weeks I mentioned something (I can not remember what that was now), and the therapist suggested a 1:1 appointment. I mentioned the trauma I had experienced, seeing my dad die, the loss of my brother. He recommended that I had some further 1:1 sessions after the social anxiety group had ended.

After a few sessions with the therapist he diagnosed me with PTSD, which he suspected I had been battling with since I was a child and from the abuse. Also seeing my dad die from a heart attack when I was 17 probably added to the trauma. The therapist was constantly writing down notes, and even through zoom I could see that. We discussed doing some therapy specifically for that area and the PTSD. After a couple more weeks the questions had changed and he asked if I thought I could be Autistic, that surprised me as it had never been something I had considered before. After all, my nephew was diagnosed autistic and I was nothing like he was. My knowledge of autism at that time was solely based on what I had seen with my nephew. I admitted I wasn’t sure, the therapist suggested I read the book Spectrum Women and he also sent me links to articles about the female presentation of autism. By the next session I was convinced, reading Spectrum Women was like reading a book about my life, I could relate to so many of the experiences of the women in the book. Even down to my issues with smell, which had never made sense before, finally my whole life made sense. He filled out the referral form with me during the next session, then we focused on the trauma therapy after that. A couple of weeks later I had the initial assessment with the NHS Autism Assessment service, there was enough evidence to add me to their waiting list, which was 18 months at that point.

I had had therapy before and no one had mentioned PTSD or Autism before, I think I was in Autistic Burnout though, the mask had slipped. Approaching 40 as well, it was as though my Autistic traits had become more visable, and maybe that’s why it was picked up or maybe he had had more experience in this are than the other therapists I had seen. Either way, I am grateful to the Covid-19 pandemic, if it wasn’t for that I probably would still be none the wiser.

During this time I realised my daughter was likely to be autistic as well, she is very similar to me and struggles with the same things. She was experience difficulties at school and with Anxiety. We had already had a few negative experiences and times when the teacher didn’t take me seriously, so it was difficult to get them to see that my daughter was likely autistic, they just couldn’t see the signs at school to begin with. Despite the panic over fire alarm, despite her anxiety and other difficulties, they struggled to see it. I mentioned to the therapist that we were struggling with school and being heard, he suggested contacting Early Help to see if they could help and do the talking for us, as it had been successful for some of his previous clients. But, Early Help didn’t want to help, they didn’t listen to me either. My didn’t get a referral for autism until she reached year 3 of school (September 2022). Therapy with this therapist ended at the beginning of 2021 I believe, the time line is a little bit hazy now.

18 Months had seemed a long way off at the start, but life became busy and I had a lot of distractions, before I knew it it was March 2022 and I had been given a date for my first autism assessment appointment. I was also having trauma therapy through a local charity, the therapist from the charity was brilliant and supported me through my assessment as well as doing the trauma therapy.

I won’t go in to detail about the appointments as I wrote blog posts about the assessments at the time in more detail. I received my Autism at the age of 41, a couple of weeks before I turned 42. That is almost 2 years ago now, I was handed my report and that was the end of it. There was no explaining what it meant or after appointments, I was just handed a few sheets of A4 paper. Everything I have learned since has been off my own back, researching using the Internet and connecting with the autistic community on Facebook. They have been a lifeline for me, without the Facebook pages I connect with, I am not sure where I would be.

I am still very much in the infancy of my journey, still learning what my diagnosis means for me and how it guides my life. In fact, my daughter recently received her diagnosis in April 2024, so we are on this journey of discovery and learning together. I couldn’t ask for a better companion in this.