Done Peopling

People have always been confusing to me and if I am honest, people wear me out. No, that’s not entirely true, a lot of neurotypicals wear me out. Give me another neurodivergent person and I can talk to them freely and often at length, with a lot of neurotypicals communication is clunky, forced, and rehearsed.

I have always struggled when it comes to people, when you are autistic, whether it is known or not, people often judge you. From the very start, what you do and how you behave is focused on, and criticised. Your peers let you know how weird you are, you are often told you are rude, that you are doing something wrong, to sit still, to stop interrupting, to stop doing this and to stop doing that. Bit by bit, they chip parts of the person you are away so that you fit into a neurotypical shaped hole.

People make me anxious. It left me terrified of what people thought of me, which meant I made even more social mistakes than I did initially, every conversation is analysed at great depth. I can’t get rid of that fear at all, believe me I have tried. People scare me. From a young age I learnt that people hurt you, they lie to you to get what they want from you, they have their own agenda. Through my life that has been reinforced, from abuse, from bullying, from lying, and from broken friendships.

It’s funny how you can be surrounded by people, yet feel alone. Crowds and groups of people are difficult, especially when their is a lot of sensory stuff going on, for me personally the worst part is Emotional Noise. In a group or crowd there are many people giving off an emotional vibe, many different emotions and I can feel every single one of them. I absorb them and feel them like my own, it can become overwhelming and confusing and you lose track of how you felt to start with.

I coped better with it when I was younger, I mean I had episodes of Autistic burnout throughout my teens, twenty and thirties, at school and at work. To over come it, I would spend less time in those environments. But, the longest episode has been since I turned 40, I haven’t been able to climb myself out of it. I can have an appointment, phone call or when I go out, afterwards I have to sleep for 2 or more hours, because it drains every ounce of my energy. Time spent peopling wears me out. That has been a new symptom since turning 40, I have had test after test, adjusted medication, nothing has been found to be a cause, so it isn’t physical.

It has meant I have gone out less and less, it has meant I haven’t been unable to work, although I am trying to change this. In recent months I have been trying to push myself to go out more, it has resulted in me needing to sleep more and my anxiety levels have gone sky high. I need to find a space where this doesn’t happen because I don’t want it to be this way, there is so much I want to do. I am losing far too much time.

People are hard work. This neurotypical world is hard work. I am not sure I want to be a part of it anymore.